The Boys!

My whole life I wanted children-boys! I'm not sure why! Maybe because I realize that girls can get into too much trouble and are very moody-that's how I was! When I first found out I was pregnant, I prayed for a boy-and wahlah-out came Nickolaus 9 months later, Then came Ryan, 20 months later-I am truly a blessed woman! They are my pride and joy! There are days when I want to rip my hair out because they absolutely drive me insane! Then there are those days that I wish wouldn't end-like, when we are on vacation, or just hanging out in the yard being funny and crazy together! They make me see the world in an entirely different way. as the saying goes "out of the mouths of babes..."

I wonder where they get some of their thoughts-how their little minds work! When one of our goats died recently, Nick came over to me and hugged me and said "mommy, don't cry, it will be okay!" He is a comforter-at 3 yrs old. I'm supposed to comfort him-right?? When I was losing my hair from the chemo-it was falling out everywhere, so I let Shawn shave it-I was mortified. Once again-Nick says to me "it's okay Mommy, it will grow back"

Then there's Ryan-just learning to put words together. His first complete sentence was "Boston SUCKS!" which we taught him to say, just to irritate my dad ! We of course are Yankee fans! It's not what Ryan says, but how he says it, that makes you laugh. The way he says "All Aboard" or "Let's go Yankees!" or when he hugs Nick and says " I sorry Nick". They are truly my little loves!!

Then there's Shawn-I have come to love him more than I thought humanly possible, over the past 5 years that we've been married. We have packed a lot into 5 years. 2 kids, a house, countless cars, vacations, farm animals, dogs, cancer, LIFE...I'm sure to him it feels like we've been married 80 years. He is an amazing person-strong and compassionate. He has a soft side that few people see. I love to watch him with the kids-he plays more than they do-it's awesome! I still can't believe that he made it thru my cancer treatment. We were all pushed to our limits-for close to 2 years. ugh, that's a long time! But here we are-at the other end-we hope-and we all made it. The kids didn't even flinch when I was bald-I was still Mommy. Shawn endured-strong as ever, but is much less stressed out now-I hope! He's my big love! I pray they know how truly blessed I feel to be a part of their lives. always!

The Beginning...of the beginning-never the END!

Okay, so who would ever think that I would start a blog. Yet here it is, in all it's glory-or not. My niece got me to write. her blog is the Bees Knees, so I named mine the kittens mittens-cuz I am feeling un-original today.
As almost EVERYONE who knows me knows, I have breast cancer. I want to know if you ever get to the point where you don't "have it" anymore...or is like being an alcoholic-even if you stop drinking, you are "recovering". but you'll always be one. So I guess I can no longer say I am healthy-but that I am a "survivor". I never thought of myself as a survivor. I had confidence in myself, but I never thought people thought of me that way. I always worried about how people saw me-was I a good role model?-If you've met Kiki-she is a lot like me-in the great ways-but in the bad too-we LOVE to spend money-bad, bad, bad...But she has a great spirit-good, good, good-which she didn't necessarily get from me, but I hope I had something to do with her adventurous(sp?) soul. She amazes me every day with how fun and positive and grown up she is.
Anyway, When I was diagnosed with BC-(or "the big C" as we sometimes call it) I was floored-It was March 6, 2006-a date I will never forget-ask anyone with cancer-they'll tell you their "date". I was in complete denial-"what do you mean I have cancer?- I feel great-I felt great-I am healthy-right????" I told everyone-"Don't baby me-no pink ribbon crap-I'm still me-Lynnie!!!" Then I started my chemo-ugh! Okay, so then I needed help-but I had just told everyone -don't baby me-so how was I supposed to say-okay, baby me! Everyone pitched in anyway! My church family was awesome-food galore, and Soup, and blueberry pies, from Miss Pearl! My family-well, I think they worried, but wouldn't let me know. My husband-total denial was his best defense...I can't blame him-I would have done the same-or I would have been all over him and he would have hated it! Then came surgery-mastectomy-how traumatic, to wake up, boobless-well, on one side, and I still didn't have hair-I was a sight. Bald, boobless, hoses coming out of everywhere, 35 lbs heavier than I'ver ever been, and so sick...then my college roomate shows up-in my hospital room-I was so embarrased-I looked like crap.
I think I got over the looking like crap thing pretty fast-a year is pretty fast, isn't it??? ha. Having no hair is life altering-and again, I was fat(for me)-everyone noticed, noone said anything-the advantage to having a life threatening illness is that people tend to be nicer to you! I felt very weird about that! I mean I KNEW I looked terrible-but noone would tell me-so I said-OH WELL! Who really cares, anyway. I mean-I was still here-for now anyway. My way to get everyone over my "being sick" was to make them laugh with me. I mean, come on now, death is FUNNY!!! Or it should be-what's everyone so afraid of-It's not the end-not even close!!! My favorite joke with my husband, when I want something from him, wether it be for him to get me something from the fridge cuz I'm too lazy or if it's to get him to buy me a car, is-"but honey, I'm dyyyyyying!!!"
I have to tell you-it works every time-but I think he's on to me-he's starting to tell me to pound sand. I think when crappy stuff happens to you-there are so many ways to deal-mine was and is and will be ---forever---laughter!
The following are random things that went thru my head..."Is my husband going to leave me"-I mean, who would blame him-"If I die, who will take care of my kids?" and "Will they remember me if I go now?"-those two still keep me up at night-"I wonder who will come to my funeral?" "Will they put fun things in my coffin?"-I want you all to put fun things in my coffin! "Will I get to see all of my friends again?" They are scattered to the winds, but I would make the trip!!

So, little by little, things really turned around for me.
I changed -actually, when I was going thru chemo I changed-dramatically. I am still Lynnie-but now I am a little wiser-I no longer take life for granted-every day ,truly, is a gift. I wake up and try to make a mark-in some small way-every day. If it's making my kids smile, or writing in my journals-I'm terrible at it, but I attempt it. I live for my kids and my husband! I pray more often! I cry more, laugh more, LOVE so much more. I CHERISH more! every minute-whether it while I'm shoveling poop out of the barn, or playing with my kids, and laughing with my hubby-I cherish it. I spend less money and more time! I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. I'm kinder, gentler, crazier, funnier, happier!
I am almost put back together-I will be getting bionic breasts in October of this year! It is a long process, but one, I think, is worth it for me! I can't wait!
Thanks for reading!