Okay, so who would ever think that I would start a blog. Yet here it is, in all it's glory-or not. My niece got me to write. her blog is the Bees Knees, so I named mine the kittens mittens-cuz I am feeling un-original today.
As almost EVERYONE who knows me knows, I have breast cancer. I want to know if you ever get to the point where you don't "have it" anymore...or is like being an alcoholic-even if you stop drinking, you are "recovering". but you'll always be one. So I guess I can no longer say I am healthy-but that I am a "survivor". I never thought of myself as a survivor. I had confidence in myself, but I never thought people thought of me that way. I always worried about how people saw me-was I a good role model?-If you've met Kiki-she is a lot like me-in the great ways-but in the bad too-we LOVE to spend money-bad, bad, bad...But she has a great spirit-good, good, good-which she didn't necessarily get from me, but I hope I had something to do with her adventurous(sp?) soul. She amazes me every day with how fun and positive and grown up she is.
Anyway, When I was diagnosed with BC-(or "the big C" as we sometimes call it) I was floored-It was March 6, 2006-a date I will never forget-ask anyone with cancer-they'll tell you their "date". I was in complete denial-"what do you mean I have cancer?- I feel great-I felt great-I am healthy-right????" I told everyone-"Don't baby me-no pink ribbon crap-I'm still me-Lynnie!!!" Then I started my chemo-ugh! Okay, so then I needed help-but I had just told everyone -don't baby me-so how was I supposed to say-okay, baby me! Everyone pitched in anyway! My church family was awesome-food galore, and Soup, and blueberry pies, from Miss Pearl! My family-well, I think they worried, but wouldn't let me know. My husband-total denial was his best defense...I can't blame him-I would have done the same-or I would have been all over him and he would have hated it! Then came surgery-mastectomy-how traumatic, to wake up, boobless-well, on one side, and I still didn't have hair-I was a sight. Bald, boobless, hoses coming out of everywhere, 35 lbs heavier than I'ver ever been, and so sick...then my college roomate shows up-in my hospital room-I was so embarrased-I looked like crap.
I think I got over the looking like crap thing pretty fast-a year is pretty fast, isn't it??? ha. Having no hair is life altering-and again, I was fat(for me)-everyone noticed, noone said anything-the advantage to having a life threatening illness is that people tend to be nicer to you! I felt very weird about that! I mean I KNEW I looked terrible-but noone would tell me-so I said-OH WELL! Who really cares, anyway. I mean-I was still here-for now anyway. My way to get everyone over my "being sick" was to make them laugh with me. I mean, come on now, death is FUNNY!!! Or it should be-what's everyone so afraid of-It's not the end-not even close!!! My favorite joke with my husband, when I want something from him, wether it be for him to get me something from the fridge cuz I'm too lazy or if it's to get him to buy me a car, is-"but honey, I'm dyyyyyying!!!"
I have to tell you-it works every time-but I think he's on to me-he's starting to tell me to pound sand. I think when crappy stuff happens to you-there are so many ways to deal-mine was and is and will be ---forever---laughter!
The following are random things that went thru my head..."Is my husband going to leave me"-I mean, who would blame him-"If I die, who will take care of my kids?" and "Will they remember me if I go now?"-those two still keep me up at night-"I wonder who will come to my funeral?" "Will they put fun things in my coffin?"-I want you all to put fun things in my coffin! "Will I get to see all of my friends again?" They are scattered to the winds, but I would make the trip!!
So, little by little, things really turned around for me.
I changed -actually, when I was going thru chemo I changed-dramatically. I am still Lynnie-but now I am a little wiser-I no longer take life for granted-every day ,truly, is a gift. I wake up and try to make a mark-in some small way-every day. If it's making my kids smile, or writing in my journals-I'm terrible at it, but I attempt it. I live for my kids and my husband! I pray more often! I cry more, laugh more, LOVE so much more. I CHERISH more! every minute-whether it while I'm shoveling poop out of the barn, or playing with my kids, and laughing with my hubby-I cherish it. I spend less money and more time! I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. I'm kinder, gentler, crazier, funnier, happier!
I am almost put back together-I will be getting bionic breasts in October of this year! It is a long process, but one, I think, is worth it for me! I can't wait!
Thanks for reading!
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